Beyond Death: The Many Faces of Grief

When we hear the word grief, many of us think of funerals, eulogies, and the death of someone dear. But the truth is, grief is far more expansive. It arises not only when a loved one dies, but whenever something meaningful is lost - dreams, relationships, health, identity, even the future we hoped for. As grief expert Kenneth Doka reminds us, “Where there is loss, there is grief.”

In the year I began my counselling degree, I lost both my brother and my beloved dog. It was devastating, but it also became an opportunity - to look more deeply at loss, to understand grief not just as a personal experience, but as a human one.

Here are four powerful frameworks that have helped me - and my clients - navigate grief in all its forms.

1. Disenfranchised Grief: When Loss Isn’t Recognised

Disenfranchised grief occurs when society doesn’t acknowledge our right to grieve. It might be the death of a pet, a miscarriage, or the fading of a lifelong dream. Because these losses aren’t socially recognised, mourners often feel invisible - and alone.

As a child, I lost my father to an undiagnosed brain tumour. I wasn’t allowed to attend his funeral. My mother, overwhelmed by grief and new motherhood, was emotionally unavailable. It wasn’t until much later that I realised how many losses I’d experienced - unacknowledged, unspoken, and unresolved.

2. Ambiguous Loss: When Closure Never Comes

Dr. Pauline Boss coined the term ambiguous loss to describe two kinds of unresolved grief:

• When someone is physically present but psychologically gone (like with dementia or addiction),

• Or when someone is physically absent but emotionally present (such as a missing person).

These losses can be especially hard to process, because there is no certainty, no clear ending.

Take Peter*, whose adult daughter has struggled with addiction for years. She sometimes disappears for months at a time, then returns in crisis. He lives in a constant state of “not knowing” - is she safe? Will she recover? He grieves the daughter he remembers from childhood, the version of her he hopes will return. But she is still alive, and so his grief remains suspended. There's no funeral, no ritual, no community around him acknowledging what he’s lost.

Without recognition, ambiguous loss leaves us stuck between hope and despair. It’s grief without a script.

3. Nonfinite Loss: The Life That Might Have Been

Nonfinite loss is the grief we feel when life doesn't turn out the way we hoped. Parents of children with disabilities often experience this, but so do those facing infertility, chronic illness, or the loss of identity through trauma.

One of my clients, Geraldine, is still grieving her father’s death years later - not just because he died, but because his death unearthed memories of childhood abuse. She cries not only for her father, but for the child she could have been.

This type of grief isn’t about one moment - it’s about a lifetime. It’s the ache of “what might have been.” And it’s ongoing.

4. Narrative Grief Work: Saying Hullo Again

Michael White, co-founder of narrative therapy, invited grieving clients to “say hullo again” to the parts of themselves that were lost with a loved one. Often, we don’t just lose someone - we lose the version of ourselves that existed in that relationship.

At first, I found White’s questions daunting. Then I applied them to my own story - asking, what did my father love about me? The answer came in tears. I remembered being his joy, his precious daughter. I realised the closed door during his final illness had long symbolised rejection for me. In that moment, a wound began to heal.

Narrative therapy helps us re-author our stories - not to forget, but to re-connect.

Why This Matters

Grief is everywhere. But not all grief is recognised. Not all grief has a name. And that’s why these frameworks matter - because they help us make sense of the pain. They validate what society often overlooks.

As counsellors, we are taught to listen for loss - even when clients don’t name it themselves. A job change, a move, a diagnosis, a child who doesn’t arrive - each can carry grief. These frameworks allow us to hold space for more kinds of mourning, and more ways of healing.

They also remind us that grief is not weakness. It is evidence of love, of meaning, of connection.

A Note on Pet Loss

When my dog died, I was heartbroken. But the grief felt almost... embarrassing. Society sends mixed messages: we treat pets as family, yet dismiss grief when they’re gone.

Thankfully, change is coming. In 2021, Turkey passed a law recognising animals as sentient beings, not commodities. Perhaps we are learning to grieve more honestly - even for our furry companions.

In Closing

Loss is universal. So is grief. But grieving well takes recognition, support, and sometimes, the right words at the right time.

As the whakataukī says, “Kua hinga te tōtara o Te Waonui a Tāne” - the mighty tōtara tree has fallen. Grief shakes not just the individual, but the collective. And in acknowledging this, we make space to grieve - and heal - together.