Beyond Bans: What Conversion Therapy Legislation Misses About Families

When New Zealand passed the Conversion Practices Prohibition Legislation Bill, it was a bold move toward affirming the dignity of our LGBTQ+ community. The law, now in effect, criminalises any attempt to change or suppress a person’s sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression. It sends a clear message: who you are is not a problem to be fixed.

But in celebrating this milestone, have we missed something?

As a counsellor with a deep respect for both individual identity and family systems, I believe the answer is yes. The current legislation, while vital, largely ignores the relational context in which most of these struggles take place - the family.

The Silence Around Families

While the law focuses rightly on protecting vulnerable individuals, it says almost nothing about families. And yet, LGBTQ+ adolescents most often come out while still living at home, often in environments where their identity clashes with deeply held cultural, religious, or familial narratives.

This gap isn’t small. For collectivist cultures such as Māori, Pasifika, and Asian communities - who make up around 30% of New Zealand’s population - identity is formed and held in the collective, not in isolation.

So why aren’t families part of this conversation?

Two Sides of a Polarised Debate

The law’s intent is to eradicate harmful conversion practices. But it has raised concerns. Critics argue the legislation is ambiguous, leaving parents unsure whether difficult conversations or expressions of concern could be criminalised. Even parties that supported the bill’s goals acknowledged its potential to alienate well-meaning families.

Let’s be clear: conversion therapy is harmful. But criminalising family responses without offering education, guidance, or support does little to heal fractured relationships - it may, in fact, drive youth further into isolation.

Why Family Matters

As family therapists Goldenberg & Goldenberg write, the influence of family is “deep, multi-layered, and persistent.” Even estranged or absent family members shape our inner world. And research backs this up: LGBTQ+ youth who are rejected by their families are at dramatically higher risk of suicide, depression, and homelessness.

Conversely, even a small shift toward acceptance can have protective effects on a young person’s mental health (Ryan et al., 2010).

A Constructivist Solution

Enter Constructivist and Narrative Therapies - approaches that recognise identity as shaped by story, not fixed in stone. They provide tools for understanding how belief systems, cultural expectations, and familial bonds shape how we see ourselves and others.

When a child’s personal narrative (e.g., “I’m gay”) conflicts with a dominant family story (e.g., “That’s not acceptable in our culture”), it creates dissonance. Narrative therapy helps families re-author these stories together - without assigning blame.

The Family Acceptance Project: A Global Example

In the U.S., Dr. Caitlin Ryan’s Family Acceptance Project has done groundbreaking work showing that:

• Parents often act from love and fear, not hatred.

• They underestimate the harm their reactions cause.

• With information and support, they are willing to change.

• Even families with strong religious objections can improve.

The project offers pamphlets, videos, and best-practice tools that bridge the gap between LGBTQ+ youth and their families - turning potential rejection into healing and support.

This kind of approach doesn't let harmful practices slide - it transforms them through connection rather than condemnation.

What This Means for New Zealand

What if, instead of only punishment, we also invested in family-centred counselling for LGBTQ+ youth and their families?

What if we helped whānau reframe their narratives - so they can become allies rather than adversaries?

What if we built a New Zealand version of the Family Acceptance Project, drawing on our own Māori and Pasifika models of collective wellbeing like Te Whare Tapa Whā and Te Wheke?

Conclusion: From Punishment to Partnership

The Conversion Practices Prohibition Legislation is a vital step forward. It tells LGBTQ+ people: You are worthy. You are seen. You are protected.

But to truly support our youth, we must go further.

We must bring families into the picture - not as villains, but as potential partners in healing. With education, cultural sensitivity, and therapeutic support, even conflicted families can become sources of strength.

Because when a young person comes out, they shouldn’t have to choose between being true to themselves and being held by the people they love.